I thought i'd share a fic i started with you guys Maybe some of you could share too *prods Data* I didnt want this to clutter the creativity thread, so i put it here -------------------- and i encourage any other authors to write too doesnt have to be a fic maybe just a parody or something or a poem or anything -------------------------------------- Formal things MaririnXMaimai fic Romance, some angsty stuff If you are sensitive to this kind of stuff, then rather than wasting your time flaming me, just dont read it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Although the tears freely rolled down my burning cheeks I felt triumphant. Her guiding light led me to the freedom that i craved for so long. I was saved. From a fate worse than any death. Saved. By my angel. Her heart pounded in her chest. Faster. Faster. Faster still. Her breathing became short and sharp. His presence lingered in her mind like an unrested spirit. Quickly, she scanned the audience. He was here, but where? Her face ached with the crayon smile, drawn on her face. Where was he? As she moved around the stage, she saw him. Standing at the back, his shadow thick like a fog, smothering.... always smothering. And then... Darkness. This is the only time I ever get to myself. Between my job and home, what is there? I guess i should be grateful for even this, but will it always happen this way? "Mariko? Hey wake up! You okay?" Damn, they got there quickly. "Maririn? Come on you can do it!" Leave me alone. "Poke her." "You Poke her!" How about, no-one poke me!! "Wait, her eyes are opening. Mariko..?" Isn't THIS embarrassing? A flood of light met her eyes, as she squinted uncomfortably. As the light cleared, silhouettes began to form around her. It's now or never. With one push, Mariko lifted herself into a sitting position. "Miss me?" She smiled to the gathering. A united sigh of relief spread around the room, as the other girls fell in on her. "We didn't know what happened!" squealed Tomomi "Yeah you were kinda, there one minute, gone the next." smiled Hana meekly. "Alright, alright, let's give her some air." sighed Mai, extending her hand to Mariko. As she took it, she felt herself being hoisted to standing, lighter than a summer breeze. With her hand still tightly grasped, Mai led Mariko away from the crowd. "You need to cool down," Mai nodded her head towards the backstage fire exit. "Here" She pushed the door open, and Mariko felt the cool air wash over her body. She stood for a moment in silence, deeply inhaling the crisp air, letting it course through her. "So..." started Mai, cautiously. "So? So what?" smiled Mariko, trying to measure up her friends intentions. Seconds of akward silence slipped away. Only the hum of the Tokyo traffic could be heard. "You haven't been yourself lately" Mai muttered "Here we go again." rolling her eyes, Mariko turned away from Mai, taking in all of the world outside of the door. "Well if you'd just open up a bit!" "Look, we've had this conversation before. It's MY business. None of you need to get involved." Mariko's voice quickly turned icy. "See? This Mariko. Who is she? This isn't the person we used to know, who I - We, love so much - " "She's gone. Dead" Mariko's deadly whisper pierced Mai like a thousand knives, one after the other. She could feel her gut rench "And there's nothing, you or anyone else can do about it" she snarled. A single tear made it's way down Mai's cheek. "And that's how you feel?" she sniffed. Deafening silence. "Well at least have the decency to answer me!" She yelled, slamming her palm onto the wall. "And say what?!" Mariko rounded on Mai, tear streaks down her face "You wanna hear i hate you all? You wanna hear me say bad stuff about you? What do you want from me?!" "I want you to be you!" "Is everything...alright?" A shy voice whispered amongst the shouting. Both girls gave a start as a head appeared around the corner. "Miichan?" Sighed Mariko "We heard shouting and - " "We?" Interrupted Mai "Just how many of you are there round there?" "Just the two of us." Tomomi gingerly appeared next to Minami. The two older girls shot each other dark glances, "Maririn..." slowly, Tomomi made her way towards the figure, now leaning on the wall. She breathed in, and prepared herself for any backlash. Taking Mariko's hand, timidly, she looked up into the cold eyes watching her. "Please. We love you. Come back. Okay?" Mariko looked down into those eyes, shining so innocently. Is he really worth this? But no sooner had the thought come to her head, than it was forced away, by a dark and shadowed image. She shivered and let go of Tomomi's hand. With a last glance, she watched the sparkle leave her junior's eyes, then lost all contact with them. Mariko bit her lip, forcing back any emotion that would have jeopardised that moment. Mai marched over to Tomomi and placed an arm around her shoulder. Tomomi didn't feel it. It seemed as if all feeling dripped slowly from her body. Without warning, she turned, and ran. "Tomochin! Wait!" called Minami after her quickly, disappearing friend. Their footsteps echoed into the atomsphere. Both girls knew, there was nothing more to say. As she turned to leave, Mai cast a glance over the shadow of her former friend. Thier eyes locked. Sensing that there was no use continuing, Mai shook her head sombrely and turned away. You'll never know how much this hurts me. I'm sorry. So Sorry. End chapter~ ----------------------------------------------------------------------- comments and critique are accepted, but no flaming, cos thats just not nice
*feels prodded* I was barely able to share my chicken scratch with you. We'll see where my story ultimately goes. XD But I already read it earlier, and I'll say it again. Awesome job, panchie. Very well written, and very interesting as to where this could go. Thumbs up!
whoa. that was really good. I do read fics, and I must say this one is really well written. I even imagined the scene for it, i was really touched. i wanna read more.
I'm intrigued. Just some questions: 1.) It's a safe assumption for the reader to make that Ms. Mariko passed out due to shock/stress incurred by the sight of the silhouette, correct? 2.) The backstage stuff, does it take place after the stage performance? Or during the stage performance when those girls have downtime? 3.) Which Tomomi is featured here? Ms. Kasai? Ms. Ohe? Ms. Itano?" 4.) Is Ms. Mariko facing out of the building or facing in towards Ms. Mai Mai when she's out by the fire exist? 5.) In what direction is Ms. Tomomi running away - outside through the fire exit, or into the building through the halls? Sorry if I come off as stickler for details, but they were some things that came to my mind as I was reading you're chapter - and I did read it a few times to be sure that I'm understanding everything. I might be able to come up with more detail-related questions, but my brain's shot at the moment. The heavy emotion is conveyed well through a good balance between dialogue and narrative, and I like you're use of italics for Ms. Mariko's inner thoughts. Keep it up, pan. I'd hate to see something with a lot of potential fade away to collect dust.
LOL oh giddy goose lets see... 01. ...you'll have to wait and find out. All will be revealed. 02. Let's say... during ... 03. Itano. lets call this an A stage lol 04. She's facing out up until the part ...."Mariko rounded on Mai" in the bit where she's "leaning on the wall", she's still facing in, but more looking to the ground unitl the last bit where she and maimai are givin each other evils. 05. Back through the halls She has the right idea there lol Although i appreciate that not all the details are there, i didn't wanna make it too analytical, cos then i guess it would be more like a script than a story, and i guess the balance of the speech and narrative wouln't be there ;p but i'll take these comments on board while writing the next chapter i hope i dont confuse you next time LOL
Argh...tough thread. It will have to use all the English language skills i have. Panchi you... :x Let's see what i can make in this thread. Later
Chapter 2 --------------------------------------------------------------- The walk home seemed to pass by in a blur. Humans, animals, buildings, even the trees in the park, seemed to melt together in a haze. Mariko's senses had forsaken her. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. She was blinded by the repulsion she felt. Sickness. Sickness deep within every point of her body. Sick of lying, sick of this game. And yet, she knew, there was no was it was going to end any time soon. Robotically, she made her way through the familiar streets to her front door. Time stood still as she approached. Well, open it. You made your bed, now lie in it. Clumsily, she searched for her keys. Tick tock, tick tock. Stalling are we? Her hands began to shake slightly, as cold metal touched her fingers. This is it darling. What's it gonna be? Mariko gingerly turned her key in the lock and pushed the door open. This is your choice eh? Then you have no right to complain in future... Silence that only death could match greeted her. The darkness of the hallway loomed ahead of her, as the ghosts of memories danced in the shadows. Mariko shut the door behind her. The black hall quickly enveloped her. At the end of the hall, thin strips of light illuminated the edges of a single door. The door that would, undoubtedly, hold her fate. She edged, one baby step after another towards it, hoping and praying that this passage would never end. Beads of sweat began to form on her hairline. She could feel the hairs on the back of her neck on edge. Fear began to snake its way up through her body, constricting her with each step. You could stop this any time you know. but the fear was like a banshee, screaming at her, giving her no place to go but onwards... And there is was. Staring her in the face. A cold shiver ran through Mariko gripping at every sense, every last little bit of hope she had in her soul. Just open it. Its 50-50 right? Your odds arent so bad... Adrenaline booted trhough her system unexpectedly as she gripped the handle, and pushed the door open. She squinted in the radiant lights and the voice... the voice that brought fear to her spoke through it: "You. Are late." ----------------------------------------------------- End Chapter ~ ----------------------------------------------------- Haha, this is slightly obscure i think but i hope you like it inner tumoil and what not, and i suppose.... the thought that although in your head you could have something completely rationalised, it may take a long time, days, months, maybe years, for your body to be able to respond to it. But you'll see what i mean later. As always comments and critique are accepted except giddy who's banned LOL
Oh, boo hoo - another critique from me. Bear with me for a bit.... 1.) Does Ms. Mariko walk all the way home? I'm under the impression that the girls get a ride to and from the theater so as to spare them the bumrush of eager fans. Perhaps "The trip home" would be better being that it's more general than "The walk home." 2.) "And yet, she knew, there was no was it was going to end any time soon." <= What exactly are you trying to say? 3.) "And there is was." <= Huh? 4.) "...and pushed the door open." <= So she opens a second door? I'm guessing this is to her own bedroom. 5.) "You. Are late." <= If you're going to indicate a pause, you should use an ellipsis ("You...are late."). I can probably be evil and nail you for missing commas, spelling mistakes, and all those other technicalities, but I'll leave my list to the five above. I get the feeling that you rushed through your second entry. It also doesn't feel like a stand-alone chapter, but rather a segue between the first entry and what will be a brand new scene with actual story. For the record, I wouldn't be so critical of your work if I didn't give a damn about it - and I do. As a matter of fact, I'm antsy to find out what happens next. I have a feeling that the conflict between rationalization and action within Ms. Mariko will be brought to light more with the next entry - but that's just me as a reader. Considering your set-up so far, I've got high expectations now of what's to come.
Well here's my contribution... trust me to take a walk on the darker side of things. 20 words short of a double drabble. Title: Competition Genre: Dark, lmao. Rating: G? Words: 180 --- Competition. It's one thing you'll find anywhere, whether you're looking or not. Flowers compete for light, lions compete for territory - the music industry is never an exception. One of the best parts of being an idol is that you get to pick your facade. Only the stupid show their real faces, let the glare of the stage lights and the click-click of cameras reach past the front and into the self. Three basic facades are the joker, the airhead, the girly girl... I'd like to think that mine is a little more refined, but if I'm to slot it into a group I suppose I would call it 'the airhead'. She smiles at the wrong time, laughs too much, smiles wide - she's perfect and I know so. Japan knows so. The rest of the girls, with their own fronts of all imagineable types, some even putting forth the meaningless effort to go out there without one... they all know so. My name is Maeda Atsuko, and without me, the little akiba idol group you know as AKB48 would be absolutely nothing. --- I don't know what brought that on. >>;
Aiko...cool one. It shows all!!! But isn't it a little too blunt? A little too straight-forward? Or is it your intetion to be straight-forward? But i like how you point Maeda to be the one that stands out the most from the rest of the girls of AKB48. I like how you express her arrogance. Kinda dark, indeed.
Aiko that was a nice start! I liked that it was very direct and to the point I'd like to see what comes next!
Aaaa!! Somebody continue the fanfic!! I'm dying because of the curiousity :sob: I get the clear idea about pan-chan's fic, and I love it! *just hoping it's like what I've imagined*
I'm actually working on it at the moment so i can try and deliver something even better It'll probably be up tomorrow since i'm off all day, i can work on it.
yay, that's good, looking forward to that, since i really, really wanted to know whats gonna happen next.
A bit of Flash fic - it's 16:56 I should be done by 17:10 I suppose as with everything I do this is not a traditional piece, but hey - that's what life is about. Well posted at 17:15 becouse I had a discussion about wine up2date and something else at the end - nothing much happens, just a scene. ----- Ono, Erena, combat pilot 3rd class, cadet, hopped down from her KX71 Aerospace intercepter, her normally bouncy twintails seemed to sag and her eyes heavy with sleep. The intercepter bore the scars of battle, a char mark along the fuselage showing how close she'd come to not coming home. "Erena, Erena!" Maimai ran over in a fluster from her own interceptor, Hana followed close behind, Erena looked up like a dear caught in the headlikes of a truck as the two girls hugged her at force. "I'm okay..." She murmured - looked down. "You should be more careful." A sharp displeased tone, Minegishi, Minami combat pilot 1st class, wing commander. "I know..." Another half hearted murmor. "Hey Miichan, that's not fair - nobody could have" Minami cut Hana short with a glance. "There are no excuses, if she hadn't been lucky we'd have been a fighter down, and if we'd lost a fighter our chances of coming home are halved." "You're so damn cold." Hana growled. Minami brushed a a strand of hair back from her face, her once bright passionate eyes cut through Hana. Minami turned towards the bay exit so that the other three couldn't see the sudden hurt that crossed her face, she kept her back strong and proud as the chief mechanic Josh pretended not to notice. "Debriefing in ten minutes." She left the three girls alone. Hurt, but happy. She brought them all home and that was important. ---------------------------------------------------
LAWL i love that Josh got in there! Its intriguing so far! I'd definately like to read some more At last the 3rd chapter of mine is almost complete YAY ME!!
Yeah in the larger scheme of things I think the role of chief mechanic and Miichans personal mechanic was ideal for him. That can be considered a single early unedited scene... and yes - roll on chapter 3.
Chapter 3 at last The glare of the lights faded away, and began to reveal so many familiar aspects of the small room. Microwave, a few dishes in the sink, the cold steel draining boards. Mariko's eyes continued to sweep across the room. Chairs, table's in place - cloth could do with being pressed. She looked at anything she possibly could, to avoid the stony gaze of her nightmare. "Took your time today." The lips from which the deep, husky voice came, curled into a smirk. Come on, if you look away it'll make it worse. Mariko strained herself to look at the face, she could feel measuring her up. "Hiroshi." "Wasn't anything to do with that blackout was it?" Hiroshi tutted softly. His silky, playful voice continued. "Idols can't do those things. Of course, it's not like you're that good of a so called "Idol" anyways. I mean, look at you compared to those other girls." Mariko almost gasped, as she felt her knees begin to weaken. It hurt. She knew he wasn't exactly the supportive type but still... The comment replayed over and over in her head. Getting louder... Idols can't do those things Louder... It's not like you're that good of a so called "Idol" Louder still... Look at you compared to those other girls Each time, it cut away a piece of the pride she gathered from doing the job she loved more than anything. Hiroshi flicked the jet black fringe, that hung over his left eye, away from his leering face. Very casually, he reached across the table fro his cigarette packet. With a gentle tap of his foot, the chair opposite him slipped out from under the table. "Sit." the command muffled slightly as he balanced his cigarette on the tip of his lips. Now would be an excellent time to move. He reached into the pocket of his baggy jeans, hunting for a lighter. His eyes left hers for a moment, but she couldnt help but stare. For God's sake just sit down. And still, she couldnt move. Part of her was hoping...praying, that he might feel some remorse. Maybe take it back? She knew deep down in her heart... It was NEVER going to happen. "I don't believe that was a request. Now, Sit." The voice that was so silky, so playful, turned icy and expressionless in a split second. Mariko felt like a child again. Just like she used to feel when her mother would reprimand her. Gingerly, she edged towards the chair, and lowered herself into it. Hiroshi calmly took a drag of his now lit Cigarette. A cloud of grey, began to circle around his head. Mariko couldnt help but watch it start so tiny at the tip of the cigarette, then begin to twist and distort, into something much bigger. "So why were you late?" His voice had reverted to it's usual mocking tone. "Just, felt like a walk." "When you could have just got a lift?" "Well, as I said, I just felt like a walk." Mariko's voice was just above a whisper. Her throat started to become tight. It felt harder and harder to breathe. Hiroshi noticed this, and smiled at her. "There's no need to be so clammy. It's just conversation right?" "...I guess so." Huh? Is he serious? "But, I mean you being home so late, i had to do my own dinner. And i made a bit of a mess." Oh, no. Where is this going? Hiroshi stood slowly from the table. He stood for a moment the looked around the kitchen. The sky was growing dark outside, and the street lights began to flicker, one by one illuminating a small distance around it. "I WAS going to take you out with me tonight, but I guess you'll have to stay here and make sure this place is spotless by the time I get back." Mariko's eyes lowered to the ground. She stifled a tear, and intently listened to Hiroshi leave the house, slamming the door behind him. She exhaled, letting all of the tension leave her body. He wont be back tonight...again "This is ridiculous" She sighed. She stood from the table, and gently arched her aching back. She grabbed the nearby broom, and began to gently sweep the floor. A familiar sound chimed from her pocket. Huh? Mail? Mariko quickly pulled her phone from her jeans pocket. Flipping it open, a name she was accustomed to seeing flashed on her screen From Mai. "We need to talk. Can you meet me in an hour in the usual spot? If you value our friendship at all, please be there Mai" -End- Hmm, this one is not quite as graphic as the previous chapters. I wanted to keep it more simple, and begin to make a point I guess. To introduce a new character and the main theme of the whole story. I guess from this you can start to see how its going to go. I'll gladly answer any questions you have if theres something you dont quite get or whatever.
